6 07 2017

I find this week is a little bit surprising. I have always been grateful for what God has given me in my life. I do not know how to pay God back, because I owe a lot. perhaps, by sending kindness to others? I hope so.

anyway, during the fasting month, I decided to do fasting six days of shawwal. I would start on Thursday and end on Tuesday. it should be no problem before I looked on my P-Tracker that said my period would likely due in the week I would do the fasting. so, I just started the fasting and talked to God, just please do not give me period before I finish the fasting and also please give me such an ease for my visa interview on wednesday.

thank God, I did not have my period until the end of shawwal fasting and I successfully obtained visa. in addition, during my visa interview, the consular was curious about my study proposal and we discussed about the issue, haha. because my program is sponsored by their government, I was put in special queue which meant it was only queue with other participants. my friends took only 1-2 minutes to have questioned about the program and random stuffs. I got blank when hearing such questions. so, when she started to ask me where my school was, I answered and distracted her with my study proposal. haha. she was really curious about the condition of women in villages, so yup, she kept asking me about the issue for almost 5 minutes. it was like having another scholarship interview, haha. but, all in all, I finally made it. I have 2 weeks left before experience the first time of living abroad. I can not hardly wait to be a student again!

God is good. always.

platonic love

3 07 2017

it was in the middle of the night when I awoke from my sleep. I stared deeply at the man beside me. he was still fell asleep and posed with an opened lips but this time, without producing snoring sounds. my eyes went down to his hands which twined around my hips. the hug was never absence, all the time we were together. I was intrigued gesticulating to top of his head and started caressing his hair. he moved his body a bit showing that he reacted to my touch, but his eyes still closed.

my feeling towards him bursted out jiffy after I kissed on his forehead. a tingling feeling that has bugged me in these past two and a half years. a feeling that I know now, I always love this guy. I am in love with the presence of his words, the passion on his life goals, and the feel of his existence. it never vanishes, it never reduces. he never fails making me feel safe around him, or smiling towards his weird attitude.

I still can recall your smooth voice went through my ears. every single cheesy word from your mouth that I breathe deeply into my lungs. your warmth skin. your awkward wink. your bouncy belly. your contagious laughter.

may you always be in God’s protection, E. love you, xx!

where’s humanity?

5 02 2017

a week ago, I had an abrupt experience for eavesdropping a discussion about sexual harassment. so, basically, there was a group of women whom each of them shared their incidents embracing sexual harassment in public space. as one of the victim, I was about to jump into its discussion before they started to bring a topic about punishment to the perpetrator. to share with this blog, back when I was a freshman, I had a bad trauma by being a sexual harassed victim. it was happened around 10 p.m when I walked on the side of big street of Margonda. I was starving then I tried to find a street vendor for a meal, but when I walked, a motorcycle driver stopped for a second in front of me and grabbed then squeezed my breast. it happened so fast as I was shocked and lost my my voice to scream. as a result, I lost my appetite, then ran back to my room with tears flooded my face. I needed approximately four years to recover from the trauma.

at the beginning, they only talked about what actions should be undertaken by law enforcers or officials to overcome this problem and also the result regarding about the trauma. but, as far as my attention went, they were more concern to the punishment itself to yield a deterrence effect to the society. by means of reaching deterrence, they considered severe methods for punishment. although, they did not mention capital punishment in which how I was convinced by my partner who works as an advocate for human rights that death penalty is indeed ineffective, but they reflected how Aceh implemented qanun jinayat. they really highlighted their hope for having a corporal punishment. as quoted for one of the female participants, “I really want them to embrace a punishment that obliges the perpetrator to cut their hands if doing so (red: sexual harassment)”.

I raised my eyebrow. why do people always relate to torture someone as a consequence of bad behaviour? do they find comfort for a revenge by torturing others?

the answer might be, ‘yes’, I argue. basically, people are accustomed to classic style of punishment, such as death penalty in which has developed throughout centuries, even since back then, sometimes, they did punish innocent people (I refer to how Atticus Finch defended Tom Robinson on To Kill Mockingbird novel) or did not undergo fair trial to attest the validity. then, they, (perhaps) unconsciously, always refer to this information whenever they relate to what punishment suits best to every comitted crime. I understand, we will uphold the ‘deterrence’, hampering others to repeat same actions, so we can create a safety environment. but, do we really need to punish people with physical persecution? why is there torture in the first place? where does this concept of seeing other hurts really come from? is it always about deterrence?

I believe, the reason might goes beyond, despite merely about the deterrence itself. I believe, it links with human’s conception on satisfaction in which they could feel satisfied with other people’s misery when ones are being hurt because of others. the same applies within the concept of an eye for an eye, or revenge. but, why does revenge influence human’s desire? is it true that you feel good afterwards? or some people are just born as sadist? as what I contemplate during my feeling towards my experience with being hurt by other people. yes, it’s true in a way that I want those people also felt the same way as I did. but, the negativity attached within was such a burden to me. then I ask to myself, why did I unconsciously possess the direct thinking of having revenge? then I find out, I wanted to prove my power onto others. hence, I argue that people also strive to feel superior than others. but, if somehow people want to their “existence” through power onto others and if the revenge itself can be occurred, is it enough to themselves?

spiritual maturity

31 12 2016


it is dec 31 night and I am stuffed after eating indomie 3 nights in a row. I know it is unhealthy, but who am I to declare? haha. to the fact that I will be on a tight schedule for diet and run starting from january, I won’t take these indomies seriously. I gained 10kgs since I had graduated from college, just for your information. it is not about me being not pretty anymore due to excessive fat, ha! but, it is about bad stamina. I used to be so energetic with sports, and now I even could not finish running for 1 km! what a pity!

I cannot sleep at this time, I keep looking at my ceiling without having any urge to finish my current read. therefore, I decide to write here. just for pouring my thoughts since my visit to Iran. I have one thing bugged me along the way my steps in Iran or soon after I left the country in awe. I questioned my self preference on spirituality. why do I choose to be moslem, instead of any religions in the world? why do I choose to pray by doing shalat, praising “Alloh”, or fasting? why do I believe in this transcendental thing?

have you ever crossed with some questions about your religion? have you had your answers? I always have plenty of questions. and I don’t know. I don’t have any idea why I am moslem. it’s just part of “taken for granted” thing from my parents. I’m still doing just for the sake of loving my parents, I think. why do I choose Islam instead of any other religions or even, beliefs? do I really know about Islam more than only its surface teaching? why am I not interested in learning Islam more, like reading Quran and actually do study about it? why do I choose to be sunni instead of others branch of Islam? do I really know about what I’m holding onto? if belief is personal matter, what are things which make my mind believe in this belief? do I choose this because of my feeling or rationality? I, once, did sunnah prayer in congregation with my friend who acted as the leader of the prayer. the weirdest thing was we both have different branch of Islam, we did prayer but also in different rule. the thought came to my mind right after I finished the prayer, “my mom would kill me if she knew!” instead of feeling guilty or sin to my belief. why? it’s because I appraise the good purpose of prayer. aren’t we all always after good deeds? why do we keep blaming another belief just to prove our belief is the rightest? aren’t we all selfish?

I, once, asked my parents some critical question regarding the existence of Islam as well as its prayers. but, I was hugely disappointed since my parents did not provide any logical answers and just said that I must not questioned those things. “it’s a sin to have questions like that! just accept it, Islam is the only answer to this world”. I think it’s not only happened to my parents, but vastly accepted in most of society.


yet, why do I still choose to have a religion, not being an agnostic? it’s all about my feeling. I figure out that the habit of praying as devoted muslim shape me along this road. my mind and body have been unconsciously accept as how islam teaching was taught to me since I turned to 2 years old when my parents kept repeating some verses to me.

when on the other hand, I know that my mind and body say I need this (red: holding onto one thing called ‘God’). I believe in the existence of God, whatever the name is. I believe there is someone/something creates this whole universe. but, to be honest, I’m not quite sure about religion. if I need to mention one irrational thing that made us addictive, instead of answering drugs, I will certainly pick up ‘religion’.  I really agree what Marx said about religion, it is indeed an opium of the people. I tried once in my college year for putting my religion away. I did not do any prayer for a week. nevertheless, from that experience, I felt something was missing. it did not feel right. hence, as I tend to use my instinct more than my rationality, I returned regularly doing prayer. that’s why it’s addictive, it just kept me craving more.

Also, I had my spiritual journey back when I stayed in Ubud for a week and also in India for two weeks. the teaching about understanding life was really eye-opening. deep inside, I’m more attracted in understanding about life, universe and human. therefore, I kind of mixed between my spirituality on seeing the picture of life with being as a moslem. to date, I’m still praying because I believe that these pray rituals channel my talks with God. then in my spare time, I will engage in reading about spirituality, mostly my source is Jiddu Khrisnamurti or Buddha as I feel matched with their thoughts. yet, the seeking for an answer is not simply stopped there. because, I figure out that God has his/her/it way to make me understand more and more beyond our relation itself. I always feel that God treats me right and shows me to become more tolerant towards others.  during my visit to some countries (by far, I have travelled to 15 countries). it includes some remarkable experiences from talking people from different beliefs to being aware of my surroundings. I only fathom that no matter what belief background they all have, we are all same human being.


new long term project

25 10 2016

you all might be bored for reading my plan on producing photo projects, yet I have not started any of those! haha! I am the queen of planning and minor on the execution. two years ago, I planned to start my photo project in documenting people who commute from sub-urban area to Jakarta since I lived in Bekasi at that time. however, I failed in the process due to my drowsiness whenever I was on the bus. haha. a year ago, I had a short photo project for my photo workshop assignment. I opted inadequate public space for disability people as a theme. I was only given three days to work on. right after I presented it to the public, I was busy with my work life (an excuse, you know how I really wasted my time in watching tv series from game of thrones to orange is the new black, and even house of cards!, etc etc). recently, I join a photo workshop, again. hahahaha. I am given the same task to have a photo story about Kota Tua. this time, I give a try to document a post effect of the eviction. yet, when I brainstormed about my topic, I just realized that; “why do I always pick up any difficult topic?!”. ah, this complicated brain has been exposed with so many human rights topics and theories!

enough for the brief beginning. after I spent my time in capturing and talking to the victims, I visited the centre of Kota Tua. the rain poured really hard on Sunday, but still visitors seemed enjoying their experience on being bucketed down. it dragged my interest to capture ‘people and rain’ more.

my mistaken ectasy

20 10 2016

I received a surprise from an e-mail this morning that my test score was so low, it did not meet the requirement!! but, this time I admit, the blame is on me. ha! a month prior to the test, I could not focus as I was sent to 2 remote areas to gather field data for my recent research. Being buffeted by heaps of data throughout the day, I felt so indolent for opening my books which I had brought along there. as a result, I was busy watching youtube videos. pft. furthermore, I still am waiting for another result for another test. I am not confident with the test itself. I am afraid that I will ruin that score. it’s that effin’ hard! the most difficult tests I have experienced in my whole life! as soon as I publish this post, I need to change my mind, thinking that I can master these tests within a month.

as I still have one last chance in improving my scores, I really will not dissipate it!

today, on October 20 2016, I promise to myself and also to this blog that I will use my last shot maximally. also, for the next month, I will use my time only for productive activities, such as practicing for the next tests or reading english novels for upgrading my advanced vocabulary knowledge. I don’t want to feel regret in the end, lamenting on why I do not use my time wisely.

the vow is over.

I hope this blog will become the evident for my future’s success! amen.

yes, I’m pretty much enjoying my life

20 08 2016

it is such a shame that I could not pour all of my thoughts into any writings recently. I, actually, want to share sort of interesting events from my life which might inspire my blog readers to those small things  happened in our life. hence, I always end up being stuck with my own picked words, then I never continue my writing. if you keen to look at my post drafts, I have lots of that. haha.

move back to the “small things” topics. since I always aware with my surrounding, hence it will lead me into overthinking to realise that those small things occurred are, in fact, big things –depends on how you ponder, of course–. I think I might consider in bringing up those simple stories as my blog writing concept, yet I have penned down in various writings about how I observe my surrounding.

but, now, let me enjoy my tranquil early evening with a book (finishing ‘a wild sleep chase’ -100 pages more– and starting ‘the vegetarian’!), english tea, and gene krupa hummed from my iPod. I will be back to here as soon as I can with new writings.